THAI NGUYEN: THE VIETNAMESE WEDDING
Among the experiences one could have to understand the local culture, weddings are pretty much at the top of the list. Though, in nearly three (3) years living in Vietnam, I still haven't had the chance to attend a Vietnamese wedding. It's not for lack of opportunity. I remember You-Know-Who (or She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) had a few invitations during our time together - opportunities to which she had judged appropriate not to include a plus-one. What else is new! Typically, January to May is known as the wedding season in Vietnam. It's more or less kicked off right after New Year's Day and dragging to the first day of Summer - where it's too hot in the North and rainy in the South - with an intermission marked by Tết, the holiday of holidays.
When My knew I was planning to visit the Northern provinces while her brother was getting married, she invited me without hesitation. What a nice gesture from a friend who made it a personal mission to help my immersion into the Vietnamese culture. When I first moved to Vietnam, I had a similar experience where a friend invited me to a family event. The commemoration of the grandparents' death was held yearly, where the family gathers to eat and drink in memory of their ancestors. At that time, the experience turned out to have revealed a series of red flags. I was afraid this new experience would lead up to the same sequence of misfortunate events. Of course, our relationship is strictly contained within the boundaries of friendship, but what would her family think? Knowing the Vietnamese culture a bit more added up with the fact that Northern families are a bit more traditional and that My is well in her early thirties, I knew there would be many questions coming my way. They call them: “bánh bèo”. Besides being a Vietnamese dish originating from Huế, it is also used in modern Vietnamese culture as slang for girls portrayed as overly feminine, weak-willed, and high maintenance (because of its soft, rubbery texture).
My's brother, Ricky, brought us to a steakhouse for lunch. Halfway through the meal, between "How's your meal?" and "Pass the salt, please.", he just casually asked:
"So, how did you two meet? Tinder?"
A moderately strange question coming from the big brother, if you ask me. But what alarmed me the most and made sure to clarify with My later on was:
"Why is he under the impression that we are dating?"
A question to which My had no valid answer. She was as clueless as me, for that matter, as she clearly stated to her family that I was just a friend. I'll just go ahead and believe it was wishful thinking. I thought it was evident that My and I were platonic friends, but there is nothing noticeable about a man-woman friendship in Northern Vietnam. My instinct tells me that he was probably acting under the others of their mother who asked him to investigate this so-called platonic friendship further. Ricky then formally invited me to his wedding. I thought I was already requested, but it's always a good idea to double-check while his soon-to-be-wife sits in silence next to him. During the whole sitting, the only time she opened her mouth was to ingurgitate bites of her tiny salad while men did the talking. God forbid her from putting on weight to her petite figure the day before her wedding! In Vietnam, there is a term for such a girly girl that is used most sarcastically. They call it. "
Unfortunately, I couldn't travel to the Thái Nguyên province aboard Ricky's car because of a medical condition. When in Sapa, I had developed a minor infection on the armpit that forced me to stay one more day in Hanoi to see a doctor. I first contracted this skin infection three months ago during my two-day trek in the Bảo Lộc jungle, as an MRSA superbug had the best of me. It's a prevalent skin condition with male athletes in Asia that is due to humidity and insalubrity. Two (2) days in a hot and humid jungle without the possibility to take a shower was enough for the superbug to be acting up. The same situation occurred in Sapa as the weather oscillated from 10 degrees celsius in the morning to 25 at noon and back to 10 at night. I felt a slight bump forming in the epicentre of my armpit. I did recognize the beast. I wasn't too keen on seeing this damned virus retake its toll.
The next day, My had arranged a driver to pick me up from my hotel in the Old Quarter right after my follow-up appointment at the clinic. I was so tired of not sleeping the previous night comfortably, with my infection under my armpit that stung every time I twisted and turned during my sleep, that I sleep the whole way to My's hometown. On arrival, I noticed a large tent erected just outside the house that could host around 200 people. The last time I have been in such a tent was for a much sadder event, as I unexpectedly joined the funerals of a relative. Same principle, different application. My explained that the wedding would be held over two (2) days: First, an "intimate" dinner in the large tent and second, a more significant event with circa 800 guests. In Westworld, any wedding exceeding 200 guests would translate into a logistical nightmare, consequently accompanied by the rise of Bridezilla… but not in Vietnam!
THE SECOND DAY: THE VIETNAMESE WEDDING AGENDA
6:00 am - Loud music coming from the tent woke us all up, and the neighbours and the whole town ensured we all got ready on time for the wedding. What a clever choice from the DJ to pick Vinahouse as the perfect music genre to wake people up with the sunrise.
8:00 am - The groom, accompanied by his immediate family, goes to the bride's house to fetch her and bring her to the tent. At the time of departure, My was not in sight as she was just finalizing a few touches on her make-up. So, the family decided she didn't want to join and left without even trying to call her. We can't afford to be late on such a streamlined schedule.
9:00 am - The groom's father - head of the family - brings the couple to the ancestors' shrine to request their blessing to get married. The father leads the prayer while the couple joins their palms together and closes their eyes.
9:30 am - A brief ceremony is held in the tent with an MC facilitating the exchange of rings. No speech, no vows. The MC even went a bit off-track while suggesting that the groom would take a knee to offer the wedding ring to his bride. The groom quickly rectified by whispering with a very firm tone in the MC's ear, "It won't be necessary!". If only the microphone was not so close to the MC that the whole crowd overheard the comment. Luckily, Vietnamese people are not aggressive by nature. Everyone heard the commentary and just let it slide. Next thing you know, the bride and groom opened two bottles of pinkish sparkling wine and filled the pyramid of glasses. Though glasses were not distributed, a whole lot of pictures were taken. Photo or it didn't happen! Though it didn't occur… but, we do have pictures!
10:00 am - We left the tent and drove to a much larger venue - a reception hall that could host the 800 guests invited to the wedding. Are the groom and bride close to the 800 guests? Hell no! In the Vietnamese culture, you better rake larger to include as many people as possible to ensure everyone is included. Anyone would take great offence if they were left out. We took the time to snap a few photos under a clear blue sky just outside the main entrance, where the prominent family members stood to greet us one by one. When I entered the reception hall, I immediately noticed that all tables were already garnished with food that seemed to be already cold. The whole meal was already served on plates covered with clingy plastic wrap. Based on the briefing had that this wedding would last over two (2) days, I thought it would differ from what I have heard from other weddings in Vietnam. I quickly revised my expectations with my recent analysis of the situation.
10:30 am - Tables are fully occupied, plates are being stripped from their plastic wrapping, and guests are feasting at a record pace. For living in Vietnam for almost three (3) years now, I have seen the same "stuff your face in 10 minutes and use the remaining 50 minutes to sleep" at every lunch break. This wedding was no exception, as the same philosophy applied minus the post-stuffing nap.
10:45 am - The MC introduces the bride and groom; they make their way into the reception hall and through the main corridor leading to the stage while saluting the whole crowd from which they probably know about twenty percent (20%) tops. Moments later, the parents from either side are introduced; they also make their way to the stage while saluting the crowd with a royal wave.
11:00 am - The guests are not even done with their meal, leaving the celebration already inebriated. Food is being tossed into plastic bags without regard to sorting the dishes. It's the first time that I ever witness wedding guests leaving the celebration with doggie bags in their hands. While I am puzzled by this weird custom and wonder how one can get drunk so quickly on 50-proof rice liquor (25% alcohol), I am still trying to figure out where the plastic bags came from. Did the guest come prepared with plastic bags rolled up in their pockets? Abracadabra!
11:15 am - The reception hall is dead empty. That's all, folks! That's a wrap! Party's over! Move along, nothing to see here! …and other idioms to tell you to get the fuck out. There are no groomsmen or bridesmaids, no entertainment or dances except for the guests taking over the stage to sing karaoke. I've attended many weddings from different cultures, but it's the first time I ever see this!
There you have it! The traditional Vietnamese wedding in all its glory! From what I understood from my conversations with the younger crowd, the sole meaning of this abbreviated masquerade is for the parents not to lose face in front of their community. This traditional format often reflects the parents' vision of a wedding in all its tradition. The soon-to-be-married couple simply complies with their elders' demands to keep them happy but disagrees with their vision by no means. Often, the couple will hold another smaller celebration with their close friends, this time at their image. In other words, two (2) celebrations are often held: one for the parents and one for the couple.
THE INTERROGATION
Everyone is back home, parents are changed to their everyday outfits, and even today's Cinderella switched back to her floor-cleaning accoutrement. I'm kicking back on the couch, going through the photos I took earlier. My's mother approaches me with a tray holding a teapot, kettle and three (3) cups. She doesn't speak a word of English, but she finds a way to teach me how to prepare the traditional green tea offered to house guests through a riddle of hand-signs. The father, remote control in hand, zaps through the channels until he finds an English Premier League match. Now, that's more my cup of tea (pun intended)! Something he knew we could bond over.
Men are so simple! He then sits next to me with Google Maps already open on his phone and centred on Canada. Again with hand-signs riddles, I understand he is asking me to point out where my hometown is in this vast country. He then zooms in and asks me to show him the house I grew up in. Luckily, he didn't google the neighbourhood where my parents' house is located. A simple Google search and a click on the "News" tab would be enough to freak anyone out. Then, the Google Translate voice command surely helps him a rate of a question per minute. Of course, the classics: "How many siblings do you have?", "How old are your parents?", "What is your job?", to name a few. Then, the questions of interest: "How cold is Montreal in the winter?", "Do you know how to ice skate?", "Do you enjoy living in Vietnam?". Finally, the question he meant to ask this whole time: "What do you think of my daughter?". I expected this question to come to the surface sooner or later. My is the owner of the dance school I practice Latin dancing at. That's how we met in the first place and became good friends over the last eight (8) months. So, yeah, big brother… not Tinder! To dad's question, I cleverly answered: "I think your daughter is a very fierce businesswoman." End of the discussion.
If you have spent one day in Vietnam, it's no secret to you that the Vietnamese love to play matchmaker. On my first day in Vietnam, I was asked by a lady in Human Resources during my onboarding meeting if I was single. A very inappropriate question that couldn't possibly be asked in Westworld! When I answered "Yes," she followed up by saying: "Great! There are a lot of single ladies in the office!". Later that day, I received an email from Talent Acquisition introducing the employee referral program titled "Play Matchmaker." "Welcome to Vietnam!" I thought to myself. I would have probably freaked out if I had gone through this series of intrusive questions when I had just moved to Vietnam. Oh wait, I have, and that's precisely what happened!
NORTHERN HOSPITALITY
While visiting remote regions with local friends, I have been exposed to certain rituals a few times. While in Northern Provinces, one common tradition is to go around and visit the family members unannounced in their house. In rural Vietnam, family members often live pretty close to each other, not immediate neighbours. It is convenient to walk from one uncle's house to the next within meters. That's precisely what we did while going from one home to the next as if we were collecting Halloween candy. Though, instead of yelling "Trick or treat!", My would yell "Chú ơi!" (Hey, uncle!) back from the street. The uncle would then invite us in, so we'd remove our shoes and take a seat in the living room on traditional wooden furniture. Hot green tea would then be served, and some formal chit-chat would follow for the next five (5) minutes (aka downloading the gossip update since my last visit). They'd then try to transition very quickly to rice liquor, even at 10:00 am. A generous offer to which I had to refuse given that I was both on antibiotics and the designated driver… not to mention that it was 10 in the morning! After two (2) hours of visits, we drove back to My's parents' house and chilled the rest of the day. There is nothing much to do in rural Vietnam except for walking around during the golden hour in the hopes of stumbling upon some sceneries to capture on a 3x2 format or hopping from one coffee shop to the next. It felt great to have some downtime away from the city and be exposed to the rural experience.
Since then, I have attended three (3) other weddings of different budgets and styles. Despite the Southern weddings highly criticizing the Northern customs (and vice versa) - and granted, the urban marriages were a bit more up to date than the rural ones - they all had one common denominator which brought them right back into the same bucket. Indeed, the "Eat, drink and get out!" formula was thoroughly applied across the board. All weddings without exception lasted less than two (2) hours. That said, I did enjoy every single one of them, as I honestly believe it is one of the ultimate cultural experiences to have when living in a particular country.